Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Suicide Doesn't Make You Weak (2012)

Suicide Doesn't Make You Weak

So I've not written for a while, because I've been really busy with this and that, but mainly because I've been trying to build myself up to writing this post - trying to find the words, the ways to explain, trying not to hurt anyone as I write - but I've figured that I need to do this for ME, I don't ever seem to do anything for myself so I'm going to use my strength and post this and I'm sorry if what I write hurts, upsets or offends you but this has to come out, for me, so I can move on.

In the summer of 2012 I tried to commit suicide for the second time, I just couldn't see a future with me in it any more, I couldn't see how I could possibly go on just existing, being invisible and hurting so much, I couldn't see there being a light at the end of the tunnel and I still sometimes struggle to see one now.

It's soul destroying when your ultimate fear is your own death but at that moment, at that one point all sense of "normality" and logic goes out the window, it doesn't even enter your mind as you take the tablets one by one, trying to force them down quickly, maybe if you take them quickly enough it will all end before it even happens.

Looking Back... 2012

Looking Back

So this past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past, well this year, 2012, and how much has changed in the space of twelve months, how much has happened and how much is going to happen in the next twelve.
I don't really remember much about the first few months of the year, I just remember being snowed under with hospital appointments and things being pretty manic.
I went back to sixth form after Christmas and things seemed to be going well, I understood the work in lessons, my attendance was so much better than the previous academic year and I was determined and motivated to get the highest grades possible to prove everyone that had said I was dumb and couldn't do it wrong. I went in to the presentation evening to receive my certificates for my GCSE's which got me down a bit because I knew that I had been predicted A*'s in some subjects and had the potential to do really well but due to poor attendance because of various medical problems I just couldn't get the grades and just about scraped through with the grades I needed to get into sixth form.
My sister was home which was nice because we were getting on at the time and it was nice to have all of my siblings at my dads, it was like when we were kids again, apart from the fact my Mum and Dad were still divorced and we were older... but you get my drift, we were back together again and Dad seemed happier.
On January 10th I had to go to a medical appointment at Stevenage Hospital but the doctor I saw didn't know what he was doing or why I'd been sent to see him and referred me on to Great Ormond Street Hospital and various other so called "specialists" who either saw me and sent me along to the next person or didn't even respond to his request. He sat there looking through NHS notes on the various medical conditions and said that he didn't have specialisms in any of the conditions, so he took my basic medical details such as height, weight and blood pressure and sent me on my way. It was a wasted journey in our view - we didn't know why we were there as the letter hadn't explained and the so called medical professional we were sent to see couldn't shed any light on the situation either.
On 27th January I held my first ever gig, it was for charity and in memory of Jordan Trowsdale as a way of celebrating what would have been his 16th birthday, we managed to raise money for the police and another charity and I had the pleasure of Mrs. Trowsdale thanking me for putting on the event. She was holding it together but you could see that it was destroying hier nside, the amount of respect I have for her, the way she held it together and stayed strong knowing that she would never see her son again, she'd not be able to celebrate his birthday with him, it was heartbreaking. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay and that I knew how she was feeling, but how could I say that if it wouldn't be true. I've lost plenty of people that I care billions about, but I've never lost a child and I hope to God I never do because I imagine that that kind of loss would just kill something inside of you.
It felt good to do something for someone else but I couldn't help but feel I could have done more, but then I never feel that anything I can do is good enough.

Happy Pills (2012 post)

Happy Pills

17th October 2012

Today has been a funny kind of day, I fell asleep last night at around 10.30pm, I had a headache so I only planned on going upstairs for a bit of peace and quiet but I fell asleep, waking up several times but not staying awake until 2.30am when I decided that I should probably eat so I could take my tablets. I wrote my first blog post shortly after and then tried to get to sleep for a few hours before having to get up to go to the walk in surgery at the hospital as it is the only way of actually managing to get to see a doctor.

The main reason for going into the appointment was to seek help with my headaches but to me the main focus was helping to stabilize me, I'd been all over the place, tight chest, headaches, always nervous and getting really anxious and worried about things, get angry and upset, I was an emotional wreck and I didn't know where to turn for help. I knew I needed it, but where did I turn. I rang my Mum the day before to try and explain to her, I was so scared, I didn't trust myself, my mood, I didn't trust myself to be around people because I felt like a small child being fed to a cage of lions, I felt like the whole world was going to attack me. I couldn't deal with all the questions, being asked if I was okay, which by the way is one of the worst questions you can ask a person with depression for reasons which will become clear in my next post. I knew my self control wouldn't be able to overall my anger and that I needed some form of happy pill to help to calm me down.
I was on Amitriptyline, originally to help me sleep as they think I might have Myalgic Encephalopathy, however it soon became apparent that a stronger dose was needed so that it could be used as a mild anti- depressant.
After a while they upped my dose, deciding that it needed to be stronger to combat the level of depression that I was suffering from. I was hopeless at taking tablets, so seemed to have a great deal of them laying around the house and overdosed on them.
The first time was in front of a friend who just sat there and carried on doing what he was doing - it was a mild strength and I didn't take that many so the only real effect was making me incredibly sleepy and giving me a dry mouth, no-one knew apart from myself and my "friend" that was there at the time.
The second time was in July this year, and I was rushed to hospital, friends and family said I'd turned blue and I could tell that I'd really upset them, I was questioned so many times as to why I had done it, and the only answer I could give was "I'm sorry, I just wanted to die". They took me off of the Amitriptyline, and referred me to CAMHS (Children and Adult Mental Health Services) who I've already been through countless times to no avail.

When I went to the doctors this morning I explained to him that I have been really struggling and needed help and he asked me questions about my mum and dad, are they together, where does my mum live, do I want to kill myself, he made me fill in a tick sheet too and asked if I wanted to be put on some different anti-depressants.

I'm glad that I said yes in some respects because hopefully it means that I'll be able to be a bit more stable but I hate the fact that I'm 17 years old and reliant on tablets to be able to feel even remotely human, it's like I'm a robot incapable of feeling and being for myself, I have to take this magic happy pill to help me to be what is perceived as "normal" but to me that feeling of loneliness, hurt and insecurity is normal. How am I supposed to know if the happiness or improved mood I'm feeling is artificial, how do I know if I'm really happy or what true happiness is if I'm relying on some tiny little white pill to give me that? Can I even tell someone they made me feel happy, because am I even really "feeling" that or is that just what my body is telling itself, am I being fooled?

Doctors think happy pills are the answer, but to me I think its just the NHS's cop out way of dealing with things that they haven't come across before, dealing with things that they perceive to be too complex, they're handed out far too easily. "Oh you've been sad for a while? Lets give you some tablets to make you feel a bit better about yourself" People then build up a tolerance and become reliant on them. It was obvious to me if I'd forgotten to take one of them at first because I would turn in to an emotional wreck. It was devastating to see how much I really needed to rely on them, because if I hadn't have been taking them I probably would have had a break down or worse.

And to make matters worse, I have to go back every ten days to get more tablets as they will only issue me with 14 at a time because I can't be trusted, yet I'm already on four other tablets.

Y'know it would be far cheaper for the NHS to just give everyone the old recipe blue smarties, then everyone would be bouncing off the walls....

On a side note I also saw the dentist today who told me that it looks like my braces are nearly ready to come off, so we'll see what the orthodontist has to say next week and I have to get glasses!

You Can't Live Your Life Around One Band (2012 post)

You Can't Live Your Life Around One Band

16th October 2012

So the other day I was going to Tesco with my Dad to help him do the food shopping and had previously left our sky box to record at the set times that my favourite band: Fearless Vampire Killers (expect me to talk about them a lot throughout my posts) had said that their new video "Exploding Heart Disorder" was going to be aired, however when I went back it seemed that some of my recordings had been cancelled and I'd missed the viewing of the video. I was gutted as I wanted to be one of the first to hear the new song, I asked calmly if any of the recordings I had set had been cancelled and he told me that they hadn't and I was a bit confused, but the main jist I'm trying to get across is the point that he told me "you can't live your life around one band".
Well I think you can and I do, so I'd like to explain a little more about that.

I'd say I'm from a very troubled background, I have no self esteem or confidence in my abilities - I HATE myself with a passion, if I didn't have to be me I honestly wouldn't, photos of me are a no go and it's very rare that I'll find one that I actually like and as for looking in mirrors, I try not to unless I have to.
I was bullied a lot as a child and even now into my teens - they used to involve my family too, more recently someone told me "I don't care that your dad is disabled, I hope he gets cancer and dies a painful death" just hours before I was called a "cretin" and told "I shouldn't own a computer". I have a lisp so saying my name, Samaya, has always been a bit of a challenge for me - that always gave people a reason to target me, as did my weight and just about anything else you can think of. The words said by those people are the ones that stick with you for life. It's never the positive comments you remember, the compliments when people tell you you look nice, or they like your outfit, or you have pretty eyes, those are taken for granted when you have been bullied, you don't believe them and tend to just shrug them off - but all those times that you've been called fat, or ugly, or they've called you salmonella or semolina, told you your useless, worthless even, told you to go shoot yourself and put yourself out of everyone else's misery - that's what sticks with you.
So when I first met Fearless Vampire Killers in Bishop's Stortford at Rhodes Rocks I felt that I needed to talk to them. I'd seen their photo on the flyer and knew that they weren't afraid to be different - I'd listened to Palace in Flames and had decided they were definitely one to look out for. I remember going up to Laurence and saying "Hello, you're from Fearless Vampire Killers aren't you? I need to speak to you."
My friend gave me a look to say you are completely nuts, and I imagine Laurence probably thought the same.. but I wanted to discuss with him the radio project I was and am still involved in. We spoke briefly about that but seemed to find that we had A LOT in common, I really got to understand what the band was about from what he had said and got to understand him as a person pretty well. We'd shared a lot of similar experiences and he had gained my trust pretty quickly, they all had.
I remember waiting outside to talk to the band and my friend was cold so I gave her my hoody to wear (weirdly it's actually the one that I'm wearing as I write this). As the boys were packing away Laurence gave me his jacket to wear to keep me warm as he knew I wanted to talk some more and the boys were going to take a while.
I knew that this band were different and that they were going to change my life.
Year after year, show after show they never fail to amaze me, they've become five of the best friends I could have ever hoped to have and to have shared so many good memories with them and to have been a part of their growth has been amazing.
They've saved me when I've been at my lowest and can read me like a book, which isn't always a good thing but I'm glad someone can.

Without Luke, Drew, Cyrus, Laurence and Kier I wouldn't be here now, so I am living every day to give back even the tiniest percentage of what they have given me... which is understanding, strength, hope, courage, support, love, acceptance and so much more. I've gained friends for life in them and their fans and a little more confidence. I've been able to escape when times are hard be it through going to their shows or putting on the CD and I'm forever learning about myself and other people because of them.

They've shown me so much, and this post is probably completely stupid, but I feel like the band are a part of me. I feel like they're my family and I'm so freakin' honored and proud to be able to say that I have been a part of their journey, and will continue to be (I hope).

I truly believe that music is the medicine and lyrics are the cure to many problems, it can heal, it can open up, it can sooth and it can help to explore emotions. I live my life by music, I live my life for music, I can use my life to make music, I live my life by Fearless Vampire Killers and I don't feel like I should have to apologize for that.

My Reality vs Your Fantasy (2012 blog)

I basically just rediscovered my old blog so have decided to pull across the posts from there and delete that blog so that people can see all of my posts in one place, I think there's only five entries on the original blog so I'm just going to repost them to this one with the original date and title. Some of the posts from the original blog are unfinished as I wasn't in the right place to continue writing them so I'm going to leave them in their unfinished draft state.


16th October 2012

So I've been toying with the idea of writing a blog for some time now, and having just watched the "Amanda Todd" video on YouTube it has really inspired me to write about my experiences, maybe I'll help someone or inspire them, or maybe it will just do me some good to publish how I feel about certain goings on in my life - I'm not too sure if I'm honest. I figured I may as well give it a shot, maybe some people will understand me better as a person, maybe I'll begin to understand myself better or maybe I'll get slated more because of the things I write, but I've finally built up the willpower to do this, so I'm going to go ahead with it anyway.

I'm not your typical teen, not living the "normal" kind of life that you would expect as I'm sure you will find out if you choose to read on through this blog. But then again, I don't really believe that there is a "normal" type of person, let alone teenager or family, because everyone is different and that diversity should be encouraged, not pushed out of the forefront and hidden from the public eye and media because someone is a bit "different" and people fear that it might cause controversy . Take a look around you, no one is the same, he's male, she's female, he's tall and she's small, he likes dressing smartly, she doesn't, he's got kids, she can't have them... all these elements make up a person, make up their story; they all build part of the same story line and will determine the steps in their life that they are going to take, what paths they are going to follow and will make all of the pieces fit together... things that maybe didn't make sense at the time that they were occurring but are all part of a bigger picture and will make their present become history for future generations.

I'm 17 years old, and will be 18 in around 59 days as I'm sure you'll find out if you have me as a friend on Facebook, Twitter or any of those other social networking sites that I cannot stand but seem to find myself well acquainted with and spending a lot of my spare time using. As some of you may or may not know my dad is disabled and I have been caring for him for quite some time now, I have depression and separation anxiety and a history of self harm and two attempted suicides. I've been involved in several projects by a means of trying to distract myself, and throw myself into something positive that I enjoy but still I try to continue doing what I can to help other people, whilst battling my own personal hell. I just wish I could give myself that same care and attention that I seem to be able to give others without giving it a second thought - no matter how ungrateful the person is or how badly received my help is, I still give it to people time and time again, because I know I'd want there to be someone there for me. I know what it's like to feel alone, and no one should ever be made to feel that way when I could just as easily be there to support them.

This was only supposed to be a brief post about what to expect from the blog, so I'm going to stop writing now because I realise that I find it difficult to stop writing and this is probably already a bit too long and hard hitting for a first post, but there you go, it is me. I don't really know what you were expecting... but know that this blog will be the truth, maybe sometimes it will be a bit too brutally honest or hard hitting but it will always be an honest account.

For now, goodnight... (well for me it's early morning) readers... that's if I've actually got any yet.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.