Wednesday, 7 January 2015


How on earth do you try and explain your whole life to a total stranger when you can’t even begin to explain it to yourself?

How do you even know who you are when you’ve put up a facade for so long that even you can’t distinguish what feelings are real and which you’ve faked with that big smile and infectious laugh?

How can you explain the feelings, the thoughts as you slowly destroy your own body, cut after cut after cut, as you pull your hair, barely even noticing it pulling, as you wish even harder than you did as a child, hoping for a particular present at Christmas, that somebody will come in and take the pain away, take you away, relieve you of this life, end it all, the noise, the silence,  the pain, the shame, the hurt, the anger, the fear.

How do you try to type through tears, breathe when you’ve cried so much its nearly impossible, but why are you trying to breathe when the thing you want more than anything is to never breathe again.

For some reason when you were walking in front of the car, something stopped you and froze that moment in time and you’re not even strong enough to take your own life so whats the point?

How do you deal with the constant fear, being trapped, broken promises, breaking promises, and how do you admit that once again you’ve lost control and you lay there numb and still once again like you did when he hurt you?

How can you be so numb and cold yet feel the pain so much, feel so attached, not only to people but every negative comment, every remark, every single time you walk down the street and realise you’ll never be like them, you’ll never be okay, you’ll never be accepted, or just be, because if you can’t accept yourself how will anyone else?

You’re destroying the only thing you have control over, yourself, but you feel that you have none, it’s spiralling, every day it worsens and the voices screaming are getting louder, they want to break free, be let out.

I can’t focus, or concentrate, I’m anxious and freaking out, the work at college just isn’t happening, the only thing keeping me relatively calm is me listening to the same song on repeat, over and over and over again.

I’m just staring in to space, just typing without even looking at the screen, I feel sick, and my head hurts, I’m exhausted and drained and everyone can see that something’s not right.

I have no reason to fight any more, no reason to be, I’m invisible at home so who would even notice if I was gone, I practically am anyway, I’m just, silent. College feels like home more than either house ever has but even that is beginning to fall apart, I can’t help but push people away, how can I believe that I can trust them when they give me a million reasons not to and the only person I ever trusted died, 3 years 6 months and 29 days and it still kills me like it was yesterday.

My physical pain is becoming emotional and the emotional distress manifests is itself as physical pain, how do you deal with pain in every morsel of your body yet feel so numb.

It’s hard to keep writing but it’s hard to stop, I’m sick of constantly fighting with myself, with my thoughts, with the voices telling me i’m not worthy.

I just want it to be over.