Looking Back... 2012

Looking Back

So this past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past, well this year, 2012, and how much has changed in the space of twelve months, how much has happened and how much is going to happen in the next twelve.
I don't really remember much about the first few months of the year, I just remember being snowed under with hospital appointments and things being pretty manic.
I went back to sixth form after Christmas and things seemed to be going well, I understood the work in lessons, my attendance was so much better than the previous academic year and I was determined and motivated to get the highest grades possible to prove everyone that had said I was dumb and couldn't do it wrong. I went in to the presentation evening to receive my certificates for my GCSE's which got me down a bit because I knew that I had been predicted A*'s in some subjects and had the potential to do really well but due to poor attendance because of various medical problems I just couldn't get the grades and just about scraped through with the grades I needed to get into sixth form.
My sister was home which was nice because we were getting on at the time and it was nice to have all of my siblings at my dads, it was like when we were kids again, apart from the fact my Mum and Dad were still divorced and we were older... but you get my drift, we were back together again and Dad seemed happier.
On January 10th I had to go to a medical appointment at Stevenage Hospital but the doctor I saw didn't know what he was doing or why I'd been sent to see him and referred me on to Great Ormond Street Hospital and various other so called "specialists" who either saw me and sent me along to the next person or didn't even respond to his request. He sat there looking through NHS notes on the various medical conditions and said that he didn't have specialisms in any of the conditions, so he took my basic medical details such as height, weight and blood pressure and sent me on my way. It was a wasted journey in our view - we didn't know why we were there as the letter hadn't explained and the so called medical professional we were sent to see couldn't shed any light on the situation either.
On 27th January I held my first ever gig, it was for charity and in memory of Jordan Trowsdale as a way of celebrating what would have been his 16th birthday, we managed to raise money for the police and another charity and I had the pleasure of Mrs. Trowsdale thanking me for putting on the event. She was holding it together but you could see that it was destroying hier nside, the amount of respect I have for her, the way she held it together and stayed strong knowing that she would never see her son again, she'd not be able to celebrate his birthday with him, it was heartbreaking. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay and that I knew how she was feeling, but how could I say that if it wouldn't be true. I've lost plenty of people that I care billions about, but I've never lost a child and I hope to God I never do because I imagine that that kind of loss would just kill something inside of you.
It felt good to do something for someone else but I couldn't help but feel I could have done more, but then I never feel that anything I can do is good enough.