Tuesday, 26 August 2014

How do you explain to someone what it feels like, when you don't understand what it feels like yourself, you feel like its happening around you, but not to you, yet at the same time it feels so real and it hurts? How can something feel like it's happening to you and not happening to you at the same time? It makes no sense, none of it does, half the time I feel like I spend my life watching myself, like I'm on the outside looking in. I have these really strong feelings yet I feel so weak, so small.

I'm trapped in this shell that's so numb, yet I feel the pain escalating and building up inside me, I feel like a volcano that's about to erupt yet I don't even know why. I can feel it all burning inside me, boiling up and it's deafening, but so is the momentary silence.

I cry without a cause and smile without a meaning, I dream of escaping the voices, they fight and argue, like a wrestling match inside my head, maybe that's the reason for the headaches, for the pain, they're fighting each other to be heard, it's like an orchestra of voices, of different pitches, tones and volumes building and building to a large crescendo, I sit there waiting for the bomb to go off, and the silence to fill the air but it just waits, waits for its time to be the centre of it all.

It's alarming it's like my thoughts are having a tug of war with themselves, my chest is pounding, it's so tight and the more I write the quieter the screaming demands are yet the tighter my chest becomes, why am I so anxious?

I don't want to have to battle the thoughts all the time, to cry myself to sleep as a distraction, I'm so tired all the time yet it keeps me awake, I toss and I turn and I wake up in agony, the emotional torture is becoming physical, I'm becoming numb and unable to do the simplest of things. I feel no purpose, no worth, I'm so elated yet so drained, I'm exhausted but energetic, how can this be when everything that I am, not that I'm sure what that is is contradicting itself?

I think they're right to stare and wonder, for people to not get it, to get me or what I'm about. They advise me on life and tell me to relax but I'm not sure that I've ever done that in my life, I'm tired of battling with myself, I'm tired of having to talk to myself to try and engage the right voice to control my body.

I don't think I'm very well but I'm scared of not being well, because I crave some normality, structure in my life yet I can't sit still, can't concentrate on anything and when I do I zone out and the world around me disappears, and there I am again, shut in the cage, in the jail, banging at the bars to be set free, to be allowed to just, be. Everyone's sleeping yet it's not peaceful, it's noisy and hectic, I feel like I'm constantly on the go, running a marathon just to make it through each day. I feel like times standing still yet running away from me.

I want to understand, I want to be able to cope, to make it stop but I just can't and other people have seen it too, the mood swings, the shutting down both physically and emotionally, my withdrawal, the outbursts, my unrealistic beliefs and expectations, wanting to conquer the world and then wanting to withdraw from it.

I smile sometimes but I don't think it's because I'm happy, well lets face it I'm not, I look around me and feel invisible, I sat outside at a family gathering while everyone else was inside and people didn't even notice I'd gone, they walked by and pointed at something near me with no recognition of me even being there.

Sometimes I feel alive for a moment but then I feel guilt for feeling it and I feel numb, I can't connect with anything or anyone, people have noticed and I don't know if I can hide it, the thoughts are racing in my head and I can barely type as quickly as the words are coming, I want to do this to make sense of it all yet I feel like I'm out of breath.

I feel like I should stop writing but how can I, how can I stop the thoughts and the screaming, I want bubble wrap, I want to feel safe, I don't want or need to be protected yet at the same time it's what I'm crying out for. I physically grab at my hair and pull at it sometimes with frustration from just trying to make it make sense.

Why do I have no control, why can't I just make it stop, make it all go away, but if it did who would I be, what would I be, what am I without the noise and confusion, what am I without these thoughts polluting my head?

I don't know what to think or how to feel, I don't know what I am, what to do, what to say, but I need someone to listen and take notice and help me, because I know I should help myself but it's so hard to face the reality, I need someone to help me to do it. I feel like I need someone to grab me by the shoulders and tell me to snap out of it, someone to push me to do something for myself, I know I need to but how, how do you prioritise yourself when you've never done it before, how do you find the time, is it selfish? How do you explain?

I'm sure all these questions should have answers and that this blog probably makes no sense but I guess its not meant to because it's a real insight, I'm tired yet I'm wide awake. I feel like I'm floating, when I say that I feel a little calmer but then I feel like I'm drowning in a fast current and the two pictures merge and blur and hurt to try and work out where I am.

I can't seem to sleep without the telly on lately, I don't know why, maybe I need to feel like I'm not alone, but how could I ever be alone with all these different voices of mine in my head trying to get me in gear?

I wish they'd let me rest, sit down for half an hour maybe and just enjoy silence, peace and quiet, rest for a while without worrying about what I need to do, who I need to be.

I thought I'd become me but I just seem to have become unwell, unstable and unsure. I'm drained, I'm tired and I'm worn out, I'm struggling to fight, yet there's something in my heart screaming to be strong, but what if I can't be anymore, what if I've been strong for too long?

I need to speak to someone, get some medical help or advice but I don't know how, or where or what.

I just...need, to. be

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Suicide Doesn't Make You Weak (2012)

Suicide Doesn't Make You Weak

So I've not written for a while, because I've been really busy with this and that, but mainly because I've been trying to build myself up to writing this post - trying to find the words, the ways to explain, trying not to hurt anyone as I write - but I've figured that I need to do this for ME, I don't ever seem to do anything for myself so I'm going to use my strength and post this and I'm sorry if what I write hurts, upsets or offends you but this has to come out, for me, so I can move on.

In the summer of 2012 I tried to commit suicide for the second time, I just couldn't see a future with me in it any more, I couldn't see how I could possibly go on just existing, being invisible and hurting so much, I couldn't see there being a light at the end of the tunnel and I still sometimes struggle to see one now.

It's soul destroying when your ultimate fear is your own death but at that moment, at that one point all sense of "normality" and logic goes out the window, it doesn't even enter your mind as you take the tablets one by one, trying to force them down quickly, maybe if you take them quickly enough it will all end before it even happens.

Looking Back... 2012

Looking Back

So this past week or so I've been doing a lot of thinking about the past, well this year, 2012, and how much has changed in the space of twelve months, how much has happened and how much is going to happen in the next twelve.
I don't really remember much about the first few months of the year, I just remember being snowed under with hospital appointments and things being pretty manic.
I went back to sixth form after Christmas and things seemed to be going well, I understood the work in lessons, my attendance was so much better than the previous academic year and I was determined and motivated to get the highest grades possible to prove everyone that had said I was dumb and couldn't do it wrong. I went in to the presentation evening to receive my certificates for my GCSE's which got me down a bit because I knew that I had been predicted A*'s in some subjects and had the potential to do really well but due to poor attendance because of various medical problems I just couldn't get the grades and just about scraped through with the grades I needed to get into sixth form.
My sister was home which was nice because we were getting on at the time and it was nice to have all of my siblings at my dads, it was like when we were kids again, apart from the fact my Mum and Dad were still divorced and we were older... but you get my drift, we were back together again and Dad seemed happier.
On January 10th I had to go to a medical appointment at Stevenage Hospital but the doctor I saw didn't know what he was doing or why I'd been sent to see him and referred me on to Great Ormond Street Hospital and various other so called "specialists" who either saw me and sent me along to the next person or didn't even respond to his request. He sat there looking through NHS notes on the various medical conditions and said that he didn't have specialisms in any of the conditions, so he took my basic medical details such as height, weight and blood pressure and sent me on my way. It was a wasted journey in our view - we didn't know why we were there as the letter hadn't explained and the so called medical professional we were sent to see couldn't shed any light on the situation either.
On 27th January I held my first ever gig, it was for charity and in memory of Jordan Trowsdale as a way of celebrating what would have been his 16th birthday, we managed to raise money for the police and another charity and I had the pleasure of Mrs. Trowsdale thanking me for putting on the event. She was holding it together but you could see that it was destroying hier nside, the amount of respect I have for her, the way she held it together and stayed strong knowing that she would never see her son again, she'd not be able to celebrate his birthday with him, it was heartbreaking. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay and that I knew how she was feeling, but how could I say that if it wouldn't be true. I've lost plenty of people that I care billions about, but I've never lost a child and I hope to God I never do because I imagine that that kind of loss would just kill something inside of you.
It felt good to do something for someone else but I couldn't help but feel I could have done more, but then I never feel that anything I can do is good enough.

Happy Pills (2012 post)

Happy Pills

17th October 2012

Today has been a funny kind of day, I fell asleep last night at around 10.30pm, I had a headache so I only planned on going upstairs for a bit of peace and quiet but I fell asleep, waking up several times but not staying awake until 2.30am when I decided that I should probably eat so I could take my tablets. I wrote my first blog post shortly after and then tried to get to sleep for a few hours before having to get up to go to the walk in surgery at the hospital as it is the only way of actually managing to get to see a doctor.

The main reason for going into the appointment was to seek help with my headaches but to me the main focus was helping to stabilize me, I'd been all over the place, tight chest, headaches, always nervous and getting really anxious and worried about things, get angry and upset, I was an emotional wreck and I didn't know where to turn for help. I knew I needed it, but where did I turn. I rang my Mum the day before to try and explain to her, I was so scared, I didn't trust myself, my mood, I didn't trust myself to be around people because I felt like a small child being fed to a cage of lions, I felt like the whole world was going to attack me. I couldn't deal with all the questions, being asked if I was okay, which by the way is one of the worst questions you can ask a person with depression for reasons which will become clear in my next post. I knew my self control wouldn't be able to overall my anger and that I needed some form of happy pill to help to calm me down.
I was on Amitriptyline, originally to help me sleep as they think I might have Myalgic Encephalopathy, however it soon became apparent that a stronger dose was needed so that it could be used as a mild anti- depressant.
After a while they upped my dose, deciding that it needed to be stronger to combat the level of depression that I was suffering from. I was hopeless at taking tablets, so seemed to have a great deal of them laying around the house and overdosed on them.
The first time was in front of a friend who just sat there and carried on doing what he was doing - it was a mild strength and I didn't take that many so the only real effect was making me incredibly sleepy and giving me a dry mouth, no-one knew apart from myself and my "friend" that was there at the time.
The second time was in July this year, and I was rushed to hospital, friends and family said I'd turned blue and I could tell that I'd really upset them, I was questioned so many times as to why I had done it, and the only answer I could give was "I'm sorry, I just wanted to die". They took me off of the Amitriptyline, and referred me to CAMHS (Children and Adult Mental Health Services) who I've already been through countless times to no avail.

When I went to the doctors this morning I explained to him that I have been really struggling and needed help and he asked me questions about my mum and dad, are they together, where does my mum live, do I want to kill myself, he made me fill in a tick sheet too and asked if I wanted to be put on some different anti-depressants.

I'm glad that I said yes in some respects because hopefully it means that I'll be able to be a bit more stable but I hate the fact that I'm 17 years old and reliant on tablets to be able to feel even remotely human, it's like I'm a robot incapable of feeling and being for myself, I have to take this magic happy pill to help me to be what is perceived as "normal" but to me that feeling of loneliness, hurt and insecurity is normal. How am I supposed to know if the happiness or improved mood I'm feeling is artificial, how do I know if I'm really happy or what true happiness is if I'm relying on some tiny little white pill to give me that? Can I even tell someone they made me feel happy, because am I even really "feeling" that or is that just what my body is telling itself, am I being fooled?

Doctors think happy pills are the answer, but to me I think its just the NHS's cop out way of dealing with things that they haven't come across before, dealing with things that they perceive to be too complex, they're handed out far too easily. "Oh you've been sad for a while? Lets give you some tablets to make you feel a bit better about yourself" People then build up a tolerance and become reliant on them. It was obvious to me if I'd forgotten to take one of them at first because I would turn in to an emotional wreck. It was devastating to see how much I really needed to rely on them, because if I hadn't have been taking them I probably would have had a break down or worse.

And to make matters worse, I have to go back every ten days to get more tablets as they will only issue me with 14 at a time because I can't be trusted, yet I'm already on four other tablets.

Y'know it would be far cheaper for the NHS to just give everyone the old recipe blue smarties, then everyone would be bouncing off the walls....

On a side note I also saw the dentist today who told me that it looks like my braces are nearly ready to come off, so we'll see what the orthodontist has to say next week and I have to get glasses!

You Can't Live Your Life Around One Band (2012 post)

You Can't Live Your Life Around One Band

16th October 2012

So the other day I was going to Tesco with my Dad to help him do the food shopping and had previously left our sky box to record at the set times that my favourite band: Fearless Vampire Killers (expect me to talk about them a lot throughout my posts) had said that their new video "Exploding Heart Disorder" was going to be aired, however when I went back it seemed that some of my recordings had been cancelled and I'd missed the viewing of the video. I was gutted as I wanted to be one of the first to hear the new song, I asked calmly if any of the recordings I had set had been cancelled and he told me that they hadn't and I was a bit confused, but the main jist I'm trying to get across is the point that he told me "you can't live your life around one band".
Well I think you can and I do, so I'd like to explain a little more about that.

I'd say I'm from a very troubled background, I have no self esteem or confidence in my abilities - I HATE myself with a passion, if I didn't have to be me I honestly wouldn't, photos of me are a no go and it's very rare that I'll find one that I actually like and as for looking in mirrors, I try not to unless I have to.
I was bullied a lot as a child and even now into my teens - they used to involve my family too, more recently someone told me "I don't care that your dad is disabled, I hope he gets cancer and dies a painful death" just hours before I was called a "cretin" and told "I shouldn't own a computer". I have a lisp so saying my name, Samaya, has always been a bit of a challenge for me - that always gave people a reason to target me, as did my weight and just about anything else you can think of. The words said by those people are the ones that stick with you for life. It's never the positive comments you remember, the compliments when people tell you you look nice, or they like your outfit, or you have pretty eyes, those are taken for granted when you have been bullied, you don't believe them and tend to just shrug them off - but all those times that you've been called fat, or ugly, or they've called you salmonella or semolina, told you your useless, worthless even, told you to go shoot yourself and put yourself out of everyone else's misery - that's what sticks with you.
So when I first met Fearless Vampire Killers in Bishop's Stortford at Rhodes Rocks I felt that I needed to talk to them. I'd seen their photo on the flyer and knew that they weren't afraid to be different - I'd listened to Palace in Flames and had decided they were definitely one to look out for. I remember going up to Laurence and saying "Hello, you're from Fearless Vampire Killers aren't you? I need to speak to you."
My friend gave me a look to say you are completely nuts, and I imagine Laurence probably thought the same.. but I wanted to discuss with him the radio project I was and am still involved in. We spoke briefly about that but seemed to find that we had A LOT in common, I really got to understand what the band was about from what he had said and got to understand him as a person pretty well. We'd shared a lot of similar experiences and he had gained my trust pretty quickly, they all had.
I remember waiting outside to talk to the band and my friend was cold so I gave her my hoody to wear (weirdly it's actually the one that I'm wearing as I write this). As the boys were packing away Laurence gave me his jacket to wear to keep me warm as he knew I wanted to talk some more and the boys were going to take a while.
I knew that this band were different and that they were going to change my life.
Year after year, show after show they never fail to amaze me, they've become five of the best friends I could have ever hoped to have and to have shared so many good memories with them and to have been a part of their growth has been amazing.
They've saved me when I've been at my lowest and can read me like a book, which isn't always a good thing but I'm glad someone can.

Without Luke, Drew, Cyrus, Laurence and Kier I wouldn't be here now, so I am living every day to give back even the tiniest percentage of what they have given me... which is understanding, strength, hope, courage, support, love, acceptance and so much more. I've gained friends for life in them and their fans and a little more confidence. I've been able to escape when times are hard be it through going to their shows or putting on the CD and I'm forever learning about myself and other people because of them.

They've shown me so much, and this post is probably completely stupid, but I feel like the band are a part of me. I feel like they're my family and I'm so freakin' honored and proud to be able to say that I have been a part of their journey, and will continue to be (I hope).

I truly believe that music is the medicine and lyrics are the cure to many problems, it can heal, it can open up, it can sooth and it can help to explore emotions. I live my life by music, I live my life for music, I can use my life to make music, I live my life by Fearless Vampire Killers and I don't feel like I should have to apologize for that.

My Reality vs Your Fantasy (2012 blog)

I basically just rediscovered my old blog so have decided to pull across the posts from there and delete that blog so that people can see all of my posts in one place, I think there's only five entries on the original blog so I'm just going to repost them to this one with the original date and title. Some of the posts from the original blog are unfinished as I wasn't in the right place to continue writing them so I'm going to leave them in their unfinished draft state.


16th October 2012

So I've been toying with the idea of writing a blog for some time now, and having just watched the "Amanda Todd" video on YouTube it has really inspired me to write about my experiences, maybe I'll help someone or inspire them, or maybe it will just do me some good to publish how I feel about certain goings on in my life - I'm not too sure if I'm honest. I figured I may as well give it a shot, maybe some people will understand me better as a person, maybe I'll begin to understand myself better or maybe I'll get slated more because of the things I write, but I've finally built up the willpower to do this, so I'm going to go ahead with it anyway.

I'm not your typical teen, not living the "normal" kind of life that you would expect as I'm sure you will find out if you choose to read on through this blog. But then again, I don't really believe that there is a "normal" type of person, let alone teenager or family, because everyone is different and that diversity should be encouraged, not pushed out of the forefront and hidden from the public eye and media because someone is a bit "different" and people fear that it might cause controversy . Take a look around you, no one is the same, he's male, she's female, he's tall and she's small, he likes dressing smartly, she doesn't, he's got kids, she can't have them... all these elements make up a person, make up their story; they all build part of the same story line and will determine the steps in their life that they are going to take, what paths they are going to follow and will make all of the pieces fit together... things that maybe didn't make sense at the time that they were occurring but are all part of a bigger picture and will make their present become history for future generations.

I'm 17 years old, and will be 18 in around 59 days as I'm sure you'll find out if you have me as a friend on Facebook, Twitter or any of those other social networking sites that I cannot stand but seem to find myself well acquainted with and spending a lot of my spare time using. As some of you may or may not know my dad is disabled and I have been caring for him for quite some time now, I have depression and separation anxiety and a history of self harm and two attempted suicides. I've been involved in several projects by a means of trying to distract myself, and throw myself into something positive that I enjoy but still I try to continue doing what I can to help other people, whilst battling my own personal hell. I just wish I could give myself that same care and attention that I seem to be able to give others without giving it a second thought - no matter how ungrateful the person is or how badly received my help is, I still give it to people time and time again, because I know I'd want there to be someone there for me. I know what it's like to feel alone, and no one should ever be made to feel that way when I could just as easily be there to support them.

This was only supposed to be a brief post about what to expect from the blog, so I'm going to stop writing now because I realise that I find it difficult to stop writing and this is probably already a bit too long and hard hitting for a first post, but there you go, it is me. I don't really know what you were expecting... but know that this blog will be the truth, maybe sometimes it will be a bit too brutally honest or hard hitting but it will always be an honest account.

For now, goodnight... (well for me it's early morning) readers... that's if I've actually got any yet.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Let's Battle for the Misunderstood

21st May 2014

Warning rant coming! 

We'd like to present Roger Helmer from the UK Independence Party (UKIP).

"Roger Says: Why is it OK for a surgeon to perform a sex change operation, but not OK for a psychiatrist to try and 'turn' a consenting homosexual".

Firstly anyone that has gender reassignment surgery has to undergo one year seeing a mental health professional to assess that they actually have gender dysphoria as opposed to them just dressing for a sexual kick etc. 

Gender Dysphoria is a severe and life debilitating condition in which you feel like you are trapped in the wrong body, a man trapped in a woman's body or vice versa, the decision to have surgery is by no means one that is taken lightly and is extremely complicated especially if it goes wrong. 

But why should someone have to live their life not able to accept who they are because they were born with a condition where their only option to become the person that they've always felt they should be is to have surgery. There's many horror stories about trans people hating themselves so much or getting so much abuse that they have tried to perform the operation on them self or to remove said body parts because they can't cope anymore. 

It makes me sick that people with a genuine health condition are given so much abuse and hatred purely because it's not something we're taught about, we're taught a little about sexuality in PSHE but why are we not taught about accepting everyone for who they are, about equality and diversity, about the fact that it's not okay to bully someone because you don't understand. 

A Psychiatrists job is not to try and change a person but to give them the tools to change their own life, to manage, people don't always go to therapy to be fixed but to be taught to cope and manage and given tools to lead a "normal" life. This world quite frankly sickens me, the fact that the above statement suggests that homoseuxal people don't want to be attracted to people of the same sex, well let's think about the reasons behind that before we try to change them eh? 

Society doesn't accept anything that to them seems unnatural, for example same sex marriage, the lgbt community, mental health, physical health, race, addiction. The majority of the things I've just mentioned are not a choice, you don't choose to be of a certain race, to be LGBT or to have a health condition, in many cases you don't choose to be an addict but it happens, yet society verbally and physically batters people. 

In life there will be things that you don't understand, or just doesn't quite make sense but at the end of the day it's not your life, you don't like people making judgements about you so why do you do it to others? 

When people stop putting people in boxes and causing an outcry when they can't shut the lid there won't be so much pressure put on people to be, act or think a certain way, everyone is entitled to their opinion but the way that they express it should be thought about and they should have the evidence to back up their view. 

If homosexual people want to change then it gives me a strong idea that it's because of how society portrays and treats them. I guess the main point of my message is that nobody should have to change who they are to please someone else and I find it disgusting that a politician and the people working a long side him have not even thought about the consequences of this shallow and small minded remark. 

Politicians are supposed to try and make things better not worse, I'm utterly disgusted!

Monday, 28 April 2014

Self Harm Support

28th April 2014 - Self Harm

Again I was browsing through images of Kellin Quinn on Google when I stumbled across this photo. 

Every time I go to concerts if you look around you when everyone has their arms in the air, all you can see is arms full of wristbands and bracelets, the level of support for the bands and brands selling the wristbands is overwhelming but sometimes you can't help but wonder if they're hiding something else beneath them. 

Why should people feel like they have to hide their self harm scars, or in fact scars in general? 

Society puts so much pressure, especially on young people to be and act a certain way so that they can be categorised and put in to boxes but no-one takes the time to understand people in general, let alone the motivational factors behind their actions.

Self harm is a coping mechanism, maybe not the safest or most conventional but in many cases including my own it is used as a method of swapping emotional pain and distress for something physical, something you can control. It gives you back that control of your body as you can't control your mind, it let's you feel empowered.  

But does it really help?

In my opinion it depends on each individual person, thankfully I was never able to self harm "properly" I never seemed to bleed when I cut, my skin just never seemed to break, no matter how many times I went over the same bit. 

I know for some people self harming is the only thing that gets them through what is happening or how they feel, but the fact that people make them feel so wrong for doing it just makes the situation worse. 

I don't think there should necessarily be an emphasis on forcing people to stop but on self harming safely and on not making people feel like they've done something wrong, especially not instantaneously because it as silly as it sounds to those of you who haven't self harmed, it becomes highly addictive due to that moment of release though often short lived when the guilt kicks in.

We all have our own ways of coping and self harm is just another, yes unconventional method but it works for a lot of people, especially in the younger generation. 

I now have tattoos on my wrists which say the Such Strange Arts lyric "Our Time is Now" and "Never Give Up" so when I feel like self harming there is always that reminder there that I'm stronger now than I was back then and that I have found other ways of coping.

Let's stop wasting our time on guilt tripping people when they self harm but on teaching them other methods of coping and giving them support and the tools and strength to quit! 

I hope this photo speaks to you in the same way that it spoke to me when I saw it.

(Please note the views expressed are my own, this doesn't mean they are right or that I expect you to agree with them, but ultimately the point I'm trying to make is that it takes time, and encouragement to stop self harming, and it takes a lot of strength often that young people will need help in finding)

Suicide Elimination

28th April 2014

So in the early hours of this morning I was listening to music and just Googling the attractive artists behind the songs, I'm not too sure why but that's just what I was doing, I guess it's a typical teenage thing to Google people you find attractive lol.

I listened to a few different Sleeping with Sirens songs and was having a browse through the photos of Kellin Quinn when I came across the image above and it spoke volumes to me. 

As someone who knows people who have successfully committed suicide, people who have tried and thankfully are still here and having myself tried to end my life and failed the words written above meant so much to me. 

My life still isn't perfect and it never will be, but I don't want it to be, I want my life to be real, I want to experience things, make mistakes, learn and grow. If life was perfect it wouldn't be worth living you'd become so complacent with the way things are you'd never want better, you'd give up trying. 

I still have times when I wonder if the world would be a better place if I wasn't here but why should I play with the life I have been given... out of the two suicide attempts I've made I'm still here so surely that shows that it's not my time to go.

My life in many ways has got better from the dark place that I was in when I was rushed in to hospital blue, and floppy, unable to walk and barely able to stay concious. I'm making a success of myself and I'm determined to prove to everyone that said I wouldn't ever be anything that I can be whatever I want to be, and so can you. 

It takes time, determination, effort and hard work but your life can and will get better if you want it to. It's called YOUR life for a reason, and only you can take ownership of it and influence the good things that happen!

And So It Begins...

No-one really understands it when you say you have a mental health condition, how can they when you don’t understand it all yourself?

How much of it is normal teenage behaviour and how much of it is because it’s a symptom, sign or trigger of your condition – a side effect of medication.

I previously started writing a blog but I usually only wrote when I was at my lowest point and even then it would be rare for me to write at all – so after having lay in bed for hours trying to sleep, my thoughts darting quickly around my head like a rabbit caught in the headlights and getting highly over emotional without really knowing why, contacting friends via text hoping to be able to explain and failing I thought I would again begin to write. At which point I should thank Chris for always replying to texts at ridiculous hours and talking to me even when I fail to make any sense.

I thought that when I picked up my pen (I handwrote this particular post first) that this particular entry would be about my own self-loathing but the moment the pen hit the paper that all changed. I’ve come to realise that if I only write during the bad times that is all people will see but especially with the volunteer work that I do I feel it is important to show all aspects of living with a mental health condition, the highs and lows, the happy and sad times, the recovery process and the times of relapses, my current state and also previous experiences. I want people to see and understand the reality about being a young person with mental health conditions, show the light at the end of the tunnel and give hope to others.

If this only ever reaches one person but speaks to them then it will have been worthwhile.

Life with a mental health condition isn’t easy at any age – there are so many assumptions made and stereotypical views that need to be challenged and the only way to do that is to be honest and speak out about mental health. “It’s about the 5 in 5 talking about mental health, not the 1 in 5.” (Justin Scaini – IAYMH Conference, Brighton, 2013)


My energy levels are lacking so much today, I didn’t drag myself out of bed until 12pm and even then it was a struggle – I set my alarms but constantly sleep through and I know that I need to get back in to a routine but I could sleep for a week and still be tired – is this normal teenage behaviour or my physical and mental health taking their impact on me?

I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to London and see my friends, Ashes to Angels and meet some friends there but so far all I’ve done is watch the telly, eat chocolate and sort the cats out. Maybe I need to write out a daily routine and stick it to my wall so that everything gets done and I get in to a regular pattern.

(This was all I managed to get written this day but I’m sure in later posts if you choose to read on you will hear all about the gig, I’m going to try and post at least once a day to give a real insight in to not just my life but generally being a young person with mental health conditions.)

AshestoAngels - Thank you!

Having spent a good few days wondering what I should title my blog it occurred to me that the whole reason for doing this is so that people get a real insight in to the reality of what it is like to live with a mental health condition, especially as a young person, to en-still hope and self belief and to help to stamp out stigma and raise awareness of mental health and the highs and lows that go with it.

Whenever I am doing a talk about my mental health or mental health recovery in general, I always refer to "mental health problems" as mental health conditions because with or without a diagnosis having a mental health condition doesn't have to be a problem in your life, you can still lead a "normal" life and just because you feel awful now, you won't feel that way forever. Which is when I realised that there would be no better title that "You won't feel this way forever" which I have tattooed on my foot and speaks to me more than I can even express!

So thank you AshestoAngels for writing such inspirational lyrics and Adam Crilly for giving me the permission to use your song lyric as the title of my blog! 

Let's hope this blog inspires people as much as your music does!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you, not only for letting me use the lyric but for all the support, time and love you guys have shown and given me since the first day I ever met you, it really does mean the world to me.

Check them out at www.facebook.com/ashestoangels