29th July 4

It's so hard never being enough, always being that one friend that has a problem, that has some drama going on in their life. It's hard being the person that gets neglected, that has always been bottom of the pile in everything, that always comes second best or as a back up plan, at least that's how it feels, perhaps that's not the reality, but it's the reality that I feel and live every single day. 

I hate it so much, I hate it with a passion but is it me that the problem, is it being bottom that I hate or is it just myself that I am so disgusted with? 

Why do I find it such a monumental and impossible task to be able to even recognise one good quality that I apparently have, why when asked could I list a billion negative traits but not one single thing that I like about myself? 

Is it societies fault, bullies, is it my fault for holding on to all of the negatives, is there something wrong with my 'wiring'?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, how I'm supposed to survive. 

One day I'm going to just end up snapping because I'm so done with all the bull that people come out with, so done with the lies and deceit, people putting others down and deliberately harming them, it's not okay, just like I'm not okay, it just like I never has been and I'm finishing it increasingly difficult to believe that it ever could be.